she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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