Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
