I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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