When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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