She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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