every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
