Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
