If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
