If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
