The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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