remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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