Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize