When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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