I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
