I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Still dying that you shit outside
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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