In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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