you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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