i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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