We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
