i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
