I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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