my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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