i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
