Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
