never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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