hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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