My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
