At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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