The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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