hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
