I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You're like the curious george of whores
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
