You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
