My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
