Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
