never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
