My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
