Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
