she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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