dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
