I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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