my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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