I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
