Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
