She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
