Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
