did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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