i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
