I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
