I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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