then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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