They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
