one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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