note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
