Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
