Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
