We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
