Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
