Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
