my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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