Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
