he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I checked into jail on foursquare
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
