I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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