im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
