i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
